A Trump Purim Megillah

Philip Greenspun's Weblog 2017-03-12

Happy Purim to all readers who are practicing Jewcraft!

I’m wondering if it is time to update the Book of Esther, which scholars say is roughly 2,500 years old. Here is a basic outline:

Old New King Ahasuerus, ruler of the Persian Empire, holding a lavish banquet … orders the queen, Vashti, to come and display her beauty before the guests by wearing only her crown. She refuses. King Donald, ruler of a vast Manhattan real estate empire, is trying to find a decent burger and fries in the dark pre-Shake Shack days. Queen Ivana orders him to stop having sex with local concubines. He refuses. Ahasuerus has Vashti removed from her position. Ivana sues King Donald. Esther is crowned his new queen. Melania is crowned his new queen. Ahasuerus appoints Haman as his viceroy Donald appoints Steve Bannon as his viceroy. Haman plans to kill all the Jews in the empire. Bannon plans to kill all the Jews in the empire. King Ahasuerus orders the court records be read to him in order to help him sleep. King Donald orders the Federal Aviation Regulations Part 121 to be read to him to help him sleep. King Ahasuerus falls asleep. King Donald falls into a coma. Queen Esther approaches to an outstretched sceptre and reveals that she is Jewish and that Haman is planning to exterminate her people. Queen Melania approaches to an outstretched Samsung phone and reveals that Bannon is refusing to shave because Jacob Schick has a Jewish-sounding name and “you’d have to be an idiot to pay Gillette’s prices or think that you need five blades.” King Ahasuerus orders Haman hanged on the gallows. King Donald exiles Steve Bannon to a lifetime of work at the FAA reviewing random drug testing compliance for single-pilot operators. Headgear: Three-cornered hat. Headgear: Pussy hat. Snack: Hamantaschen, a three-cornered cookie filled with prunes or poppy seeds. Snack: Muschitaschen, a hand-knit cookie filled with rage regarding injustice.

Readers: What else needs to be updated for Purim in the Trump Age?