TIFU by dumping a massive turd in IKEA

So, I made a new account for this one because it is too embarassing. It happened about a year ago.

I am healthy and I eat well and enough fibers, but for some reason I usually don't poop for up to 2 weeks interval and then suddenly I'll go 2-3 times in the same day, and the poop is massive. Like minimum a feet long every time, and I'm 5'9". It goes smoothly and is expeditive, but when I have to go I HAVE TO GO.

TIFU when I went to IKEA with my girlfriend for a bookcase and some outside chairs, and suddenly, I need to go. My girlfriend says "well please wait until we scan these at the checkout, I can't lift the furniture by myself. " I decide to wait to help her, but when we get in line we notice it is pretty long. Still I decide to wait with her. But, like I said, when I have to go, it is urgent. So after about 2 mins I just tell her "I'm sorry but I NEED TO GO" and she is pissed allright and complaining, but I just head to the bathroom before it is too late. I get in, and thankfully the bathroom is empty. The first stall's toilet is full of toilet paper and urine, so I'm like ew fuck that, so I go the other one.

In there I unload the most massive turd I've ever done. I don't know about your IKEA, but in ours the toilets are gigantic. Still the poop reached the bottom of of the tunnel and climbed out all the way to the outside of the toilet. It was at least 3 feet long. I was amazed and scared at the same time. I flushed first before I wiped, because I'm used to having plumbing problems.

It does not go. It doES NOT GO.

So here I am panicking, but there's nothing I can do, so I make sure no one's outside and I go in the first stall to wipe my butt so the paper don't clog the toilet with the poop, but turns out this one was clogged already (explaining the paper and the urine left in it). I get out and begin to wash my hands, when another customer arrive. I watch him the mirror discreetely and in terror as he does just like I did: he goes in the first stall and decides that it is too disgusting, so he moves to the other stall, the one with the 3 feet long turd. I'm panicking but I decide to stay cool and act like I just peed in the urinals.

As I'm drying my hands , I watch him as he slowly opens the stall's door and just stands there staring. He just lets go a very weak, high pitched and discouraged "Aw man". It is so funny I can barely hold in my laughs so I get out as fast as I can without running, and meet my girlfriend waiting for me outside, more pissed than ever after scanning the items all by herself. I go to her and before she can say anything, I say: "Look we need to leave NOW" as I'm giggling aloud. She looks at me very puzzled but slightly amused as I take the cart and start pushing it half running towards the exit. (No way I'm going to be known in the IKEA as the massive turder).

Once outside and safe I tell her the whole story and she laughed and forgave me for leaving her at the checkout line. "Aw man" is one of our favorite calls now.

TL;DR: I dumped a massive turd in IKEA and saw someone question his own existence after meeting it.