Headline words

The current xkcd:

The mouseover title: "Roundly-condemned headlinese initiative shuttered indefinitely."

Our Headlinese and Crash blossoms categories have been almost entirely about syntactic ambiguity, often in headlines from British publications:

“Violinist Linked to JAL Crash Blossoms” "Police officer jailed for attacking members of the public found dead" "Knife crime: St John Ambulance to teach teens to help stab victims." "Is Fish Heart Healthy Food? It Depends" etc. etc.

But the cited strip makes the point that there's a certain (mostly American?) headline style that's largely based on word choice. This reminds of the examples of genre variation that I've been using for decades in the Sociolinguistics lecture notes for Linguistics 001 :

Language also varies according to its context of use. Here are three short passages on related topics. One is from an informational article; another passage is from an advertisement; and another is an excerpt from a telephone conversation in the Switchboard corpus. Can you tell which is which?

1. 1. So, it 's just so complicated anymore, I think. People outlive their savings. And, with medicine being the way it is, you're extending life where sometimes the quality of living has gone down and they 're not necessarily enjoying life anymore. I think the retirement home idea's a nice idea. To go and find older people with similar interests and someplace to stay, because like if your spouse died, so you're all alone, it'd be nice to go someplace with people similar to you. To have friends.
   2. People who have to leave their homes and families and move into a nursing home experience feelings of grief and loss. During this time of change, these people are experiencing one of the most difficult periods of their lives. Not only is it difficult for the person making the move, but also for that person's family and friends.
   3. Situated in a park-like setting on a quiet residential street, Alder House offers private and semi-private rooms that are tastefully furnished and decorated. Cheerful colors, plants, flowers and decor, all those special touches that remind one of home are evident everywhere. Alder House's beautiful surroundings combined with our commitment to excellence creates a caring environment that you so richly deserve.

Obviously, (1) is the phone conversation, (2) is the article, and (3) is the ad. Can you imagine hearing someone say (2) or (3) in a conversation? Can you imagine (1) as part of a magazine article (other than as a quotation)?

Passage (1) has many features that tend to mark it as conversational, including the use of "just so" as an intensifier, the use of "like if" as a connective, and the impersonal "you".

Passage (2), by contrast, is clearly marked as written language: can you imagine someone saying to you in conversation "During this time of change, these people are experiencing one of the most difficult periods of their lives"?

Passage (3) has several turns of phrase that smell of ad-speak: "all those special touches that remind one of home;" "a caring environment that you so richly deserve."

How would you re-work the content of (1) to make it suitable in a formal written essay? How would you re-work the content of (2) or (3) to make it believable as dialogue?