Sage & Blunt: Diffident Daydreamer

Dear Sage & Blunt,

I’m interested in this guy I met at a party. A friend introduced us, and I’ve only heard good things about him from people I think well of. We didn’t talk for long, but I got a good impression. My friend told me that the guy thought well of me, too.

It might sound crazy — it certainly does to me — but, since that party, I honestly haven’t gone a day without thinking about him. I’ve shocked myself with how many times my mind has subconsciously wandered his way. I realize that the version of him in my head could be different from reality, but I’m hopeful.

I haven’t talked to him since, and it’s been almost two weeks. I can’t muster the courage to ask for his number or ask if he will be at an event. How do I muster the courage, even when the odds seem to be in my favor?

Sincerely,

Diffident Daydreamer

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Dear Daydreamer,

This is all quite sweet, and it doesn’t sound crazy at all. How nice to meet someone interesting! How nice to chat at a party with that interesting someone. How nice to have someone stuck on your brain, the rush, the small insanity of it.

I agree that the situation is promising. It seems delightfully simple, which is something to celebrate. There is evidence of intrigue in both directions, or at the very least, mutual respect. The only tension, the only conflict you have to conquer, is the chatter in your own head.

The chatter can be noisy, and the fear of rejection or exposure can be intense, but don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you have to wait for those voices to quiet down before you decide what to do. The trick to courage is actually not the eradication of fear, but the ability to wriggle out from under its thumb and take action, despite its presence. True bravery is charging forward while you are, at that very same moment, scared shitless.

So stop thinking too much, and just move. If I were you, I might turn my attention to your friend, who sounds like an obliging wingman. Perhaps there is help to be found in the people around you, who can find out what events this guy will be at for you, who probably have his number, since they introduced the two of you. There’s no shame in a collaborative approach, and it will probably make it easier to move through your nerves. Show up where this guy will be. Text him out of the blue! Wouldn’t that just be exhilaratingly scary?

Don’t forget, of course, that the version of him in your head is definitely different from reality — that’s not a probability but a certainty. The version of him that lives in your head does not exist at all and is instead a reflection of your dreams about who he might be. Don’t hold on too tightly to those ideas, at least not in their specificity — they are of use to you only in that they affirm your own capacity for hope and desire, which is the most awesome thing about you and about being alive in general.

All hopes are worth testing out, just to see if they hold water in the real world.

My advice to you is to embrace your fear and make it your friend. Take comfort, if you can, in the ultimate banality of what you are experiencing and doing — how many have had crushes before, hopes dashed or satisfied, promising first impressions that led somewhere or nowhere? These things make the world go round, and they will find you again, even if this particular guy doesn’t turn out to be as wonderful as you’d imagined. Whatever you do, don’t do it alone. Go forth!

With great admiration,

Sage & Blunt