Pope Candidate Axed Over Trashy Facebook Photos

VATICAN CITY (The Borowitz Report)—The brave new world of social media torpedoed the chances of a leading papal candidate today, as a Dutch cardinal struggled to explain newly surfaced Facebook photos showing him on a 2007 spring-break romp in Tampa.

Cardinal Bonifacius Steuer had been on the shortlist to replace Benedict XVI as Pope, but his fellow cardinals abandoned him after the startling emergence of the photos, which chronicle Steuer on a seventy-two-hour nonstop-party rampage in Florida.