Come back, Dave Futrelle!

He had been talking about this for years at We Hunted the Mammoth, how strange little nazi babies had been complaing about how video game women weren’t sufficiently feminine or pulchritudinous or pornified for their taste, and they’d go on and on about how they’d cracked open their calipers and determined that character facial structures were actually male. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never masturbated to Lara Croft, so those people were telling on themselves, I think.

Today, Stephanie Sterling is covering that beat. The nerdzis (her coining, I like it) are claiming that video game characters have “woke chins,” and think there is a conspiracy to inject obviously trans protagonists into their shoot-em-ups. Because they can tell. By looking at their chins.

I have the reverse problem on Instagram. I’m mainly interested in a few friends and macrophotography, but “The Algorithm” insists on sprinkling my doom scrolling with reels of random short videos of women with pathologically bloated breasts and butts who just stand there in skimpy clothing and jiggle, with comments about how they really like older men. I’m an older man with creaky old bones, and I glance at them and all I can think about is how much their backs must hurt. They aren’t enticing at all. But maybe those women ought to get together with the guys who think their cartoon characters aren’t sexy enough and find true happiness together.

Although…next time one of those bouncy women pop up on my phone, I’ll have to look up at their chins. Maybe they won’t be good enough for the gamer boys.