I may have just turned 68, but I still have a little dignity

I’m not wearing one of these things, or obsessing over the hundred pills I choose to swallow every night, or comparing myself to my sons. I’m not Bryan Johnson, the current joke of a man aging poorly.

According to my calculations, it ain’t worth it. But he also has the penis of a 22-year-old.

He should give it back. To be clear, he has the penile health of someone 25 years younger.

How would you even measure that? By the number, duration and quality of one’s night-time erections.

And how would you even measure that? With an erectile tracker – you wear it to bed and it sends the data to your phone.

So your phone tells you your penile age? After a fashion, yes.

Where can you get one of these devices? Asking for a friend. You can buy them online for £150, but the company that makes them is oversubscribed, so there’s currently a seven-to-eight-week waiting list.

If anyone wants to buy me a present, don’t get me an erection tracker.