New pope, same as the old pope

It’s Bergoglio, an Argentinian Jesuit that the Rationalist Association had as a 33:1 longshot.

Rumor has it that he’s conservative, hates that contraception and gay marriage crap, believes he has a magic spiritual hotline to the lord of the universe who is named Jesus, and is not — I repeat, is not — scientifically minded or an atheist. He also engages in magical rituals several times a week, and does not encourage women to touch his penis. At least, not openly.

He’s also old.

There. Now you know everything you need to know about the new head of one of the world’s oldest criminal organizations. You can turn off your TVs now.