The Most Underrated Trait of a Great Leader

At first glance, this post might seem like a joke. After all, I'm not an expert on leadership. I've never held a leadership position beyond something like "coach" or "coordinator" or maybe "team leader." I've never been a supervisor or a principal or a director or a superintendent. I have, however, been a follower. The term "follower" is almost treated as an insult in our culture. However, I have had leaders that I trusted over the years who I was able to follow when I didn't know where I was going. I've had trusted leaders who articulated a vision that inspired me. I've worked with leaders who empowered me to accomplish things I didn't think I was capable of doing at the time. So, I'm thinking about these leaders and initially certain words come up: trust, relationships, strength, humility, hard work, wisdom, optimism. Many of these are the words we see in the books and videos and blog posts written about leadership. And yet . . . There's one characteristic I rarely see. It's an idea that almost conveys a level of weakness in certain circles. Gentleness. I used to mock gentleness. I thought leaders had to storm the field like Braveheart. I thought leadership was all about being bold and loud. And maybe that has its place. But I wonder if maybe leaders might be better off being more like Mr. Rogers and less like William Wallace. I realize Fred Rogers isn't the first image most people have when they imagine a strong leader. However, when I watch his speeches, I am amazed at how bold and countercultural his gentleness was in a society that had embraced brash shouting matches. There's something disarming about gentleness. While "disarming" might not seem like a cornerstone to leadership, I'm struck by how many unnecessary conflicts have escalated when a leader could have disarmed people by a touch of gentleness. I saw this classroom. When I powered up and yelled at a student, I lost the entire class. However, when I gently said to an angry child, "Tell me what's going on," we nearly always found a solution within minutes. When I think of the leaders I work with, I am struck by the common thread of gentleness. The same is true of my former principals. One story illustrates this well. My former principal Raul once went to a protest. People were shouting things back and forth. It got really ugly. But he stood there, ten or twenty feet away from the crowd, silently holding a sign that spoke the truth gently. It was powerful. People gathered around him and he ended up sharing his thoughts gently with a tv audience on the news when his protest caught their attention. Gentleness doesn't mean being weak or soft or avoiding conflict. The opposite is true. Gentleness actually paves the way for hard conversations and conflict resolution. Gentleness is all about being kind. It involves assuming the best motives in others and deciding that even in conflict, you'll honor the dignity of the other person. It's the crazy belief that even when someone has really screwed up, you will still choose kindness. The other word that comes to mind is "careful." I realize that "careful" can come across as avoiding risk, but what if by "careful" we thought safety? We use the term "careful" when describing the way we approach things we value. So, if we value people, shouldn't we show a higher level of care? It's also the idea that "how you do things" matters as much as "what you do." The second part involves being intentional and mindful. Again, I'm not a leader but I can tell you that some of the boldest leaders I have been willing to follow were men and women who demonstrated gentleness in the midst of conflict.