AITA for Punishing my Son Harshly for a Prank on a Vulnerable Person?

I am not OP. OP is u/AITAWasITooHarshMom.

mood spoilers: Sad and frustrating

Extra note. I was semi involved in this post. I asked OOP to post the update, and followed up with comments that got responded to. I originally wasn't sure about posting this here because I wanted OOP to hopefully fix said issues, but now it looks OOP's account got suspended so I don't think there is harm in posting this.

Original (update is also in this link)

I (F48) have a son Jack (M19) and a daughter Alyssa (F18) and am married to Tom (M50). Tom is Alyssa's father, but Jack's father is my Ex husband Dan (M 48). Dan and I had a pretty ugly custody fight and he lives in NY while we live in TX. Over the years Dan has unsuccessfully tried to get Jack to move in with him. It wasn't easy to fight him off since he is a very successful lawyer.

Jack is a pretty popular kid in school. His friends on the wrestling team came up with a prank for him to ask a heavily autistic girl who had a crush on him to the prom as a joke and for him to show up wearing a gorilla suit. Jack originally said no, but the wrestling team actually raised a fund which got to be somewhat north of $800 for him to do it and they paid for the gorilla suit. Jack agreed. If it matters, this is very out of character for him.

After the prom, I was looking around on instagram and saw pictures of him in the gorilla suit and was surprised that he didn't take his girlfriend Jess. After reading the comments, I learned what happened. To say I was furious doesn't even do it justice. I woke Jack up as soon as I saw it and screamed at him until my lungs gave out. Then when Tom heard what was going on, he joined in.

Tom and Jack have never gotten along. I can't prove it, but I suspect Jack's father Dan has a hand in that. Jack told Tom "Fuck off, I'm talking to my mother." So, we took away all of Jack's electronics, his phone, and we had paid for a car for his graduation present. Because of his prank and disrespect to Tom, we instead gave it to Alyssa. We also forced him to give us the $800+ and we gave it to his date and made him write a letter of apology. He was also grounded for a month and we cancelled his 18th birthday party.

When Jack's birthday came, there was a knock at the door. It was Dan and he had suit cases. Tom said "What is this? The custody agreement says you don't get him on this birthday?" Dan just looked past Tom and said "Hey kid, I'm here for the jail break." He then pointed at a Mustang and said "Hope you like Fords. You can practice driving your new car on a road trip back to NY. Let's take a detour to NoLa." The two of them were laughing, high fiving and backslapping and they just ignored us as we tried to intervene. The only time Dan acknowledged me was to look me in the eye and say as cold as ice "Checkmate." and for Jack to yell as they were driving off "Fuck off, Tom!"

Since then, Jack has gone totally no contact with me. He talks a little bit to Alyssa and from the little he does tell her, he's doing well and Dan is giving him the royal treatment, bringing him to steak houses, Yankees games, and just giving him outright cash. It has been almost a year and I'm going crazy thinking I've lost my son. So AITA?

Edit: I see there is a little confusion here about whether Alyssa is my bio daughter or step daughter. She is my step daughter. We really have a mother daughter relationship to the point where it doesn't even occur to me to call her my step. At the risk of understatement, Jack never warmed to Tom the same way.

Note from me:

EDIT

People have pointed out I should have provided more context regarding OOP's comment section. I didn't originally think this was necessary, but it's clearly been told to me that was wrong. I can't remake this thread, but I can add what I feel are relevant comments.

On thought process behind the punishment

He never really got into that much trouble and is largely a good kid. He'd sometimes get into fights but that all cleared up a few years ago. We'd usually just ground him and make him do extra chores and that was enough. But it didn't come up a whole lot. Recently, it was maybe grounding him for a weekend here or there for badly blowing curfew (be home at 11 and he rolls in at 12:45).

I can't say I had a fully formed plan on what the discipline would be for the prank alone since it all kind of happened at once, but to me at least, the big thing was the prank and telling Tom to fuck off definitely mattered but was small potatoes compared to that. But less so to Tom, for obvious reasons.

On Dan (OOP's ex husband) and his motivation

There is some truth here. I wasn't very kind to Dan when the marriage broke down and could have been more equitable with custody matters in the divorce which created a lot of bad blood from Dan's side.

As much as I'd like to agree that I just have to wait for Dan to get sick of throwing money at Jack, I can't deny that Dan actually does pretty well by Jack and also that he likely isn't going to be running short on money anytime soon.

I spent every day with Dan for so many years and know that man very well. He is an extremely calculating man. His exact though process was that he saw the perfect opportunity to take his son back after years of feeling slighted through the divorce process and then hit with everything he had. It worked. Dan always plays the long game, just like I'm sure he's going to play the long game to keep things the way they are.

More on Dan

As much as I'd like to demonize Dan and there are a lot of things I can really say about him, he does truly love Jack and has really wanted custody for a long time. If it was simple gamesmanship, I think he wouldn't have been so brutal about it. He truly feels I stole his son.

On the extent of the punishment and Jacks' relationship with Tom (Stepfather)

The story with Tom was that my son just never respected him as any kind of authority figure. Even as a young child if Tom would tell him to do something, he'd tell Tom that he was just a rude guest in his house. I can't prove it, but I have to think Dan had a hand in it. How else would Jack know that it was my money from the divorce that bought the house and that Tom was broke?

Also funny you mention about my son calling Dan with his side of the story. I have no idea how he did that. I had his phone locked away for two weeks when that happened. I suspect that his GF Jess somehow had a hand in it even though he was barred from seeing Jess.

Part of the reason I think that is this arrangement works out so well for her. She is going to NYU for college and somehow Dan pulled some stunt to get Jack into Temple in Philly, so they take turns spending weekends with each other in either NY or Philly. Dan's instagram post from last week was the three of them having dinner together at Peter Luger's.

On money troubles and child support issues

I just feel so stupid. I *know* Dan. He has been waiting years for an opportunity like this and I handed him the perfect storm. I am not proud of it, but I did not treat Dan very well towards the end of the marriage. To be clear, I never cheated on him though. But he has hated me since then.

Also since he doesn't live with me anymore child support is terminated. We divorced in New York where child support goes to 21. I don't know how I'm going to make next month's mortgage. Dan is a very high earner so it was a big check.

He can actually go after ME now for child support and my lawyer tells me he has already filed the paperwork for that.

More on child support

Tom is on disability. I knew I'd have a problem in three years when Jack aged out of child support, but I was hoping Tom would be back to work by then.

Unfortunately, I am very familiar with the way child support works. You have a number for household income which gets negotiated after it gets to a certain point because the law says you stop counting dollar for dollar above a threshhold. Then after that total is arrived, you split by relative income. I do pretty well, but not like Dan. I used to do better before COVID.

At the time of the divorce, I won a very high household income split. It was good for me back then since he had to pay me. Now, I have to pay Dan my portion of that very high number. So, I get the double whammy of losing the checks I was getting and now I have to write big checks his way.

On Tom and Jack's difficult relationship.

I tried to introduce Tom slowly and things started out Ok. They were never warm but it was peaceful. Things started getting rougher when Tom moved in. He had an accident at work and got behind on bills. It was a little sooner than we would have liked, but Jack had known him for a year at that point. It started with little things, like Tom telling Jack to clean his room, or put away his plates or mow the lawn.

Jack just wouldn't do it. I'd notice that every time Dan flew down to spend a weekend with Jack, it got a bit worse. I remember a few years ago overhearing Jack on the phone call Tom my "pet loser." A phrase I know Dan has used about others before.

When Jack was 16 there was one time that Tom's back was hurting and he told Jack to warm him up a plate of leftovers and Jack was playing a game and told him to get it himself. Tom unplugged his X Box an then Jack said "This fucking guy! He stays here for free, eats free food and now even things he has a butler. This isn't a fucking hotel, Tom. You can't afford one." Then another time when Tom told him to mow the lawn and Jack said "Don't tell me to mow the lawn at my own house. You mow the lawn and make me a sandwich when you're done."

Jack isn't like this with anyone else. He's usually very kind, quick witted and gracious. The thing that freaks me out it is almost exactly like his father. If he likes you, he'll be as debonair and smooth as can be. But if he doesn't, he really doesn't. And he truly hates Tom.

More on their relationship

The end of the marriage wasn't pretty. I have to take responsibility for that and the divorce was very contentious. Following that, there was a lot of bad blood, but it definitely got worse once Tom entered the picture.

Tom once made a Facebook joke about how he wishes they would bring back paddling in schools. To say Dan went nuts does not cover it. He literally got on a plane immediately from New York, busted into my house and started making all kinds of accusations and threats against Tom. Tom had to literally lock himself in the bathroom and escape out the window because we all thought Dan was going to do something crazy.

Following that, I had to spend the next two years in litigation proving that Tom never has and never will lay a hand on Jack. Jack has also been rubbing it in Tom's face that has his father's permission to defend himself against Tom if he ever wants to get "old fashioned" with him. Jack is a 6'2 wrestling champion and MMA hobbyist. Tom is a 50 year old man with a bad back half his size and they are both keenly aware of it.

If Tom ever laid a hand on Jack, I'd see to it that he'd be in jail. But I suspect his first stop from any such encounter would be the trauma ward.

Yet more on their relationship

There is a little culture clash between Jack and Tom. Tom is an old fashioned Texas man where he believes kids should do what they're told. Jack grew up in Manhattan. Believe me, Tom has way, way dialed things down from what he'd normally do, but he does believe that kids should listen to adults and help out around the house.

He realizes that there is a lot of tension and that his usual approach isn't going to work and I have even told him that if he tries it, I won't be able to maintain the marriage if he can't find a way to make a peaceable home with my son.

After I told him that, he mostly just tried to step out of any kind of parental role, but sometimes, he'd still "tell" Jack to do something and Jack would react very badly.

Jack acknowledging his wrongdoing, but still feeling the punishment was way too harsh

Thanks. He has blocked my number. Alyssa does still talk with him a bit since they had a cordial enough relationship. She even offered to give him the car back to make peace. He told her to keep it since he has a better car now and told her that he doesn't have any bad blood against her.

For a while he was telling her that he'd never forgive me, he appreciates that he did wrong, but that I took it way too far by taking the car away and because I wouldn't let him see his GF for a month. The last time Alyssa brought it up, there was some movement on that. He said maybe sometime in the distant future, but not for years.

So Alyssa is acting as a bit of a backchannel. However, she's still so young and I don't like asking her to be in the middle of it which must be hard because it really pains her how she sees Jack as a big brother and how bad Jack's relationship is with her father.

OOP on apologies and potentially fixing this

I don't know if I agree with all of this, but for what it is worth, I have tried offering apologies. He has blocked my phone, but I sent him emails where I apologized for giving his car to Alyssa, for screaming at him, for trying to force a relationship with Tom on him and for taking the money. He has never responded.

You do have a good suggestion though with apologizing to Dan. Dan *hates* me. To take some accountability, the reason for the divorce is I didn't treat Dan very well during the marriage. He resented the custody schedule, he thought the child support was far beyond what was needed to support Jack and he made no bones about the fact he considered me to have stolen his money and his son.

But with all that said, the worst he can do is hang up on me.

Update

UPDATE-- I was denied an official update, but a few of you cared enough about all of this to ask me for updates periodically, so here it is.

On the advice of some of the posters, I reached out to Dan to see if he'd be willing to consider brokering peace between me and Jack. About a week later I got a response telling me to meet him and Jack at a cafe in Manhattan. He arranged a 6am flight and put me in a dodgy hotel in probably the most dangerous neighborhood in NYC. I arrived and saw Dan, Jack, Jack's GF Jess and his friend from a past firm Jonathan. I noticed Jess had an engagement ring on her finger.

Jonathan said Jack has a claim against me for stealing the $840 and until that is resolved, I am not to contact him, but to only contact Jonathan. I told Jonathan that's the money his friends paid him for the prank and that I gave to the girl. Jonathan said he was aware of the circumstances, but nonetheless it wasn't my money and under the law, it was a theft and Jack has a legal claim against me. I said don't care if it was against the law, Jack had no right to that money and they can sue me if they wanted. Jack said "You locked me up in my room like a prisoner for a month, took the car bought for me with Dad's child support money, took the money and berated me for hours on end. Unless you're going to give me the car, this is the only thing you can undo. You said you wished we could have handled it better, so here is your chance. Or was that just bullshit lip service?" I told him I was sorry, but I can't do it. Jonathan then gave me a cease and desist letter telling me to not contact Jack and to address all communication to Jonathan.

Then Jack and Jess left and I asked Dan if he could talk for a minute. I asked him if he brought me there to humiliate me, and he said actually no he didn't. He brought me so I could humiliate myself. He'd actually worked very hard to get Jack to the point where he'd be open to talking to me again if I were willing to back down just a little. But since he knew that if I had to choose between my indignation and my own son, that I'd choose my indignation every time just like I did in our marriage.

I asked him why he'd put us all through that. He said it was because a part of him wondered if I'd ever learn to pick love over anger. He bet his future that I wouldn't when he divorced me. So, he had to see for himself how it actually turned out after all these years later. I asked him if Jack was just a pawn in his game. He said no, if I actually would have picked Jack he'd be with me now and there would have been nothing anyone could have done to stop it. But instead, my indignation over a stranger was more important to me than learning to move on with my own son.

I asked him what about the girl? He then said "I hope she'll be a wonderful daughter to you since you lost a son for her." I told her I don't know the girl. So, then he said "sounds like a bad trade" and left. Also, I'm apparently not invited to Jack's wedding.

At this point I posted

Thanks for posting the update. I'm a little confused why you weren't willing to pay the money. These are some quotes from comments you said earlier.

If you lose your only child, nothing else really matters. I didn't understand that before. Hopefully you never do.

(On if you would be willing to divorce Tom to get Jack back)

If I had to, yes. Truthfully, that's kind of been falling apart anyway and the only reason I haven't divorced him is because I don't want to lose Alyssa.

I should never have touched the car. I should have just grounded him, insisted on the apology and maybe also made him hand over the money.

Losing a relationship with a child is a hell of a thing. It is like a death. I hate what he did, but there is nothing worth losing a child over.

I lost my son for that girl who I don't even know.

Exact words were high road, low road, I don't care. Whatever wins. The irony is that now I'm sitting where he was except worse. I'd do anything for him back.

So after all that you weren't willing to give Jack his $800 back. Where is the disconnect here. If you are really willing to do whatever it takes then why weren't you willing to do this?

And her response

I was so angry. I am still so angry. He was sitting there, smug as can be with his little girlfriend, my Ex and my Ex's best friend there as his lawyer. In that moment, I just couldn't.

The whole thing was to humiliate me. They stuck me in a crack den of a hotel, made me trek all over New York, then they all show up laughing and backslapping and the lawyer tells me I can't talk to my own son unless I pay him $800.

I just don't even know what to do anymore. Dan reversed the polarity on the child support and I'm now a few months behind on the mortgage and the hole gets deeper and deeper. I placed my house for sale on the market. I'm just at wit's end.