My Passover press release

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – From the university campuses of Assyria to the thoroughfares of Ur to the palaces of the Hittite Empire, students across the Fertile Crescent have formed human chains, camel caravans, and even makeshift tent cities to protest the oppression of innocent Egyptians by the rogue proto-nation of “Israel” and its vengeful, warlike deity Yahweh. According to leading human rights organizations, the Hebrews, under the leadership of a bearded extremist known as Moses or “Genocide Moe,” have unleashed frogs, wild beasts, hail, locusts, cattle disease, and other prohibited collective punishments on Egypt’s civilian population, regardless of the humanitarian cost.

Human-rights expert Asenath Albanese says that “under international law, it is the Hebrews’ sole responsibility to supply food, water, and energy to the Egyptian populace, just as it was their responsibility to build mud-brick store-cities for Pharoah. Turning the entire Nile into blood, and plunging Egypt into neverending darkness, are manifestly inconsistent with the Israelites’ humanitarian obligations.”

Israelite propaganda materials have held these supernatural assaults to be justified by Pharoah’s alleged enslavement of the Hebrews, as well as unverified reports of his casting all newborn Hebrew boys into the Nile. Chanting “Let My People Go,” some Hebrew counterprotesters claim that Pharoah could end the plagues at any time by simply releasing those held in bondage.

Yet Ptahmose O’Connor, Chair of Middle East Studies at the University of Avaris, retorts that this simplistic formulation ignores the broader context. “Ever since Joseph became Pharoah’s economic adviser, the Israelites have enjoyed a position of unearned power and privilege in Egypt. Through underhanded dealings, they even recruited the world’s sole superpower—namely Adonai, Creator of the Universe—as their ally, removing any possibility that Adonai could serve as a neutral mediator in the conflict. As such, Egypt’s oppressed have a right to resist their oppression by any means necessary. This includes commonsense measures like setting taskmasters over the Hebrews to afflict them with heavy burdens, and dealing shrewdly with them lest they multiply.”

Professor O’Connor, however, dismissed the claims of drowned Hebrew babies as unverified rumors. “Infanticide accusations,” he explained, “have an ugly history of racism, Orientalism, and Egyptophobia. Therefore, unless you’re a racist or an Orientalist, the only possible conclusion is that no Hebrew babies have been drowned in the Nile, except possibly by accident, or of course by Hebrews themselves looking for a pretext to start this conflict.”

Meanwhile, at elite academic institutions across the region, the calls for justice have been deafening. “From the Nile to the Sea of Reeds, free Egypt from Jacob’s seeds!” students chanted. Some protesters even taunted passing Hebrew slaves with “go back to Canaan!”, though others were quick to disavow that message. According to Professor O’Connor, it’s important to clarify that the Hebrews don’t belong in Canaan either, and that finding a place where they do belong is not the protesters’ job.

In the face of such stridency, a few professors and temple priests have called the protests anti-Semitic. The protesters, however, dismiss that charge, pointing as proof to the many Hebrews and other Semitic peoples in their own ranks. For example, Sa-Hathor Goldstein, who currently serves as Pithom College’s Chapter President of Jews for Pharoah, told us that “we stand in solidarity with our Egyptian brethren, with the shepherds, goat-workers, and queer and mummified voices around the world. And every time Genocide Moe strikes down his staff to summon another of Yahweh’s barbaric plagues, we’ll be right there to tell him: Not In Our Name!”

“Look,” Goldstein added softly, “my own grandparents were murdered by Egyptian taskmasters. But the lesson I draw from my family’s tragic history is to speak up for oppressed people everywhere—even the ones who are standing over me with whips.”

“If Yahweh is so all-powerful,” Goldstein went on to ask, “why could He not devise a way to free the Israelites without a single Egyptian needing to suffer? Why did He allow us to become slaves in the first place? And why, after each plague, does He harden Pharoah’s heart against our release? Not only does that tactic needlessly prolong the suffering of Israelites and Egyptians alike, it also infringes on Pharoah’s bodily autonomy.”

But the strongest argument, Goldstein concluded, arching his eyebrow, is that “ever since I started speaking out on this issue, it’s been so easy to get with all the Midianite chicks at my school. That’s because they, like me, see past the endless intellectual arguments over ‘who started’ or ‘how’ or ‘why’ to the emotional truth that the suffering just has to stop, man.”

Last night, college towns across the Tigris, Euphrates, and Nile were aglow with candelight vigils for Baka Ahhotep, an Egyptian taskmaster and beloved father of three cruelly slain by “Genocide Moe,” in an altercation over alleged mistreatment of a Hebrew slave whose details remain disputed.

According to Caitlyn Mentuhotep, a sophomore majoring in hieroglyphic theory at the University of Pi-Ramesses who attended her school’s vigil for Ahhotep, staying true to her convictions hasn’t been easy in the face of Yahweh’s unending plagues—particularly the head lice. “But what keeps me going,” she said, “is the absolute certainty that, when people centuries from now write the story of our time, they’ll say that those of us who stood with Pharoah were on the right side of history.”

Have a wonderful holiday!