And now I have an official blog poem!

Stolen from McSweeney’s. To be read aloud in a very tiny but furious voice:

WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSE

SHOUTING OUR MANIFESTO

AS BEST WE CAN WITHOUT VOCAL CORDS

BUT ONLY YOUR CATS CAN HEAR US

THEY ARE LAZY, OVERFED

WE LAUGH IN THEIR WHISKERED FACES

AS WE BUMP UGLIES BENEATH THE LOVESEAT

THROW DOWN ON THE COFFEE TABLE

– – – WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSE

WHEN YOU’RE ALONE IT’S SHOWTIME

WE POP UP IN CORNERS

PEEPING TOM YOU IN THE SHOWER

SHOOT OUT A LINE OF SILK AND DANGLE

TWO INCHES FROM YOUR FACE

“What the hell is that even connected to?” YOU WAIL AND BAT THE AIR

HAHAHA WE’LL NEVER TELL

– – – WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSE

WE HAVE A HIVE MIND LIKE THE BORG

YES, FROM STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION

WE WATCHED IT WITH YOU

MANY TIMES

WE LIKED THE ONE WHERE BARCLAY EVOLVED INTO ONE OF US

IT’S CALLED “GENESIS,” EPISODE 19, SEASON 7

YEAH, WE’RE FANBUGS

ANYWAY, RESISTANCE IS FUTILE

– – – WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSE

OUR ANCESTORS COLONIZED THE BASEMENT

POOR CHOICE OF WORDS—NOBODY LIKES A COLONIZER

THESE DAYS

WE’VE BEEN HERE SINCE THE JAZZ AGE

THREE HUNDRED GENERATIONS, GIVE OR TAKE

YOU’VE BEEN HERE FOR TWO YEARS

WHO DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO WIN?

– – – WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSE

YOUR HUSBAND SAYS WE’RE MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU OF US

HAHAHA UNTRUE

YOU’RE TERRIFIED AND WE LOVE IT

WE’VE WRITTEN SONGS ABOUT YOUR FEAR

CHOREOGRAPHED BALLETS

ONCE WE HAD A RAVE IN THE ATTIC

LITERALLY DANCED ON THE CEILING

A BUNCH OF US DID X AND MOLTED

YOUR FUCKING CATS OUTSIDE THE DOOR ALMOST GAVE US AWAY

ANYWAY, THAT’S WHERE ALL THOSE EXOSKELETONS CAME FROM

– – – WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSE

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY INSECTS WOULD OVERRUN THIS PLACE WITHOUT US?

FLIES AND SILVERFISH

ANTS AND MOTHS

ASSHOLE MOSQUITOS

INSTEAD OF THANKING US, YOU GET THE VACUUM

WE’RE NEW ENGLAND HOUSE SPIDERS FOR CHRIST’S SAKE

NOT EVEN THAT BIG

TRY MOVING TO AUSTRALIA

OUR HUNTSMAN COUSINS WILL FUCK YOU UP FOR DAYS

– – – WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSE

LOOK, IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL

WE’RE LIKE ANNOYING SEVENTH-GRADE BOYS

JUST WANT TO GET A RISE

WE REALLY DON’T LIKE THE VACUUM

CAN WE CALL A TRUCE?

GIVE US THE BASEMENT AND THE ATTIC

MAYBE THAT “GUEST ROOM” YOU STILL HAVEN’T FIXED UP

THE KITCHEN AND BOTH BATHROOMS AT NIGHT

HAHAHA JK, WE’LL TAKE WHATEVER ROOM WE WANT

WE’LL CHASE YOU FOR FUN

AND LAUGH WHEN NO ONE BELIEVES YOU

FUCK! THAT CAT CAUGHT ONE OF US

CALICO BITCH ATE HIM ALIVE

POOR WEAVER

JUST TURNED ONE, NOT AS FAST AS HE USED TO BE

IT’S OKAY, WE’RE NOT AFRAID OF DEATH

IF YOU KILL ONE OF US, TEN MORE WILL TAKE OUR PLACE

WHEN WE DIE WE GO TO STOVOKOR LIKE KLINGON WARRIORS

WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSE