Horoscope: Where should you go on vacation?

This week, I offer you some unorthodox ideas for your next vacation. This could be a winter break project for you.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Prospecting in the Yukon

They might say that there’s no riches to be found there anymore, but who the hell cares! I think you’re going to be the one to revitalize prospecting. You’ve got the spirit and the drive.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): The Fertile Crescent region to see where cows originated

This is where Taurine cattle originate from, and I just know you want to look into their big wet eyes. I’m not sure if there’s like a big herd roaming around somewhere or something, but I bet you could find at least one cow to chill with.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): London to see the original Madam Tussauds

This seems like something weird you’d be into. Make sure you post a LOT of selfies with famous wax figures. We’re all going to love it so much on Instagram. We’ve never seen something like that before.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Istanbul to see the real Museum of Innocence

What a great book. If you’re actually going to do this, you can borrow my copy to get the free ticket. I feel like this is the sign most likely to compile an obsessive museum for someone who doesn’t want them.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Miami

I don’t think this one needs an explanation.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Denver International Airport

I just think you could talk some sense into the cult there. And if you bring your friends it could be a cool challenge to see who can resist indoctrination. You’re definitely going to be the one to get to the bottom of whatever’s going on there.

Libra (September 23 – October 23): Sweet & Sassy, whichever location is closest to you

I’m not sure if they do birthday parties for adults, but maybe if you ask really nicely they’ll allow it. You would really thrive here, but make sure not to inhale too much glitter or hairspray.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 21): Romania to see Corvin Castle

This one actually sounds dope as hell. Apparently this castle is haunted by Vlad the Impaler, and I hear your nickname is also “the Impaler.” So I think you’d fit in really well here. Maybe bring a notebook and candlestick to write dramatically.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): A couple’s deserted island survival challenge

This sounds right up your alley, you weirdo. You could go alone sure, but what’s the fun in that? By bringing someone else, whether it be a friend or a romantic interest, you’re not only surviving the elements, but also the threat of developing the kind of hatred for another person that lasts a lifetime.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Pigeon Forge, Tennessee

I don’t want to offend anyone, but this might be the worst place ever. I think Capricorns need to go here to learn to be more tolerant and laidback. And to learn to be okay with probably catching some kind of stomach bug.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Cleveland

People don’t know Cleveland is kind of great. I could really see Aquarians loving it there, finding a second home there or falling in love there. You never know until you give it a chance.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): The chalk cliffs of Dover

Yeah, you WOULD go here. You could get some serious contemplating and/or yearning done on these cliffs. You could performatively read here all the live long day. Doesn’t sound half bad.