Opinion: Networking doesn’t have to feel fake

If the word networking makes you picture stiff small talk, forced LinkedIn messages and conversations that end the moment someone realizes you cannot “offer” them anything, you are not alone. A lot of students avoid it for a simple reason — it feels like pretending. The good news is that the version of networking most people dread is not the only version, and honestly, it is not even the best one. 

The healthiest way to think about networking is not as a strategy to gain something but as a way to build real relationships with people whose work genuinely interests you. It is closer to learning than hustling. You are meeting someone because you want to understand how their world works, what they have learned, what they would do differently and what their day-to-day is actually like. If you start there, the whole thing feels less fake, because it is less fake. You aren’t performing. You are being curious. 

That framing matters a lot to students, where a lot of us are sensitive to anything that feels transactional or status-obsessed. Treating people like stepping stones for your career should feel off. A relational approach fits the values many of us at Grinnell care about — respect, honesty, community and the belief that people aren’t just resources. When you approach a conversation with the intention to learn and connect, it becomes a human interaction, not a career move dressed up as a conversation.

This approach lowers the stakes. When you reach out to someone, your goal is not to impress them into doing something for you. Your goal is to hear their story and learn from it. That shift changes how you show up. You ask better questions, listen more closely and feel less anxious. And the other person can feel the difference, because people can usually tell when they’re being treated like a tool.

A practical way to make this real is to stop aiming for the “perfect” person and start aiming for the “right” person. Students often think networking only counts if it is with someone wildly accomplished or important. In reality, you learn a lot from recent graduates, people early in their careers and professionals who are simply willing to talk honestly about what they do. The amount of people that are willing to talk is quite surprising when you reach out with the intention of learning.

When you reach out, keep the message short and grounded. Say who you are within a couple sentences, say what specifically caught your attention about their work and ask for a brief conversation with a clear time limit. Make it easy to say yes and easy to say no. You are not asking them to mentor you or to open doors or to become your personal career guide. You are asking for a conversation, and you are treating their time like it matters. 

The difference between a good conversation and a bad one is preparation. Spend a little time reading their bio, learn the basics of what their organization does and come in with a few thoughtful questions that you are curious about. Not questions that are secretly requests, and not questions you could have answered with a quick search. 

Ask things that invite reflection — what surprised them when they entered the field, what do they wish more students understood, what part of work feels meaningful, why they became interested in the field, what skills actually matter, what they would do differently if they were starting again, etc. Those questions signal genuine interest, and they usually lead to answers that are more honest than the polished advice you found online. At the end of the conversation, keep the close simple and sincere. Thank them in a way that shows you listened, like naming one thing you are going to take with you. If it feels natural, you can ask if there is anyone else they think you should talk to, but do not force it. The point is not to turn one conversation into a chain of contacts. The point is to have one good conversation, and to treat it like it mattered.

The most overlooked part of networking is what happens after. Most students send a thank-you message and disappear forever, which is why networking feels like a performance. Real relationships have continuity. A low-pressure way to build that continuity is to occasionally send a short update. Keep it brief, keep it genuine and do not attach an ask. Mention one thing you learned or tried since you last spoke, or one small milestone or an insight that pertained to the conversation you had. That is how a one time call turns into a lasting industry friendship.It is also worth noting that networking can feel coded as extroverted, polished and privileged. That is not just in your head. Some students have built-in networks through family and resources. Some do not. Some are comfortable with reaching out to strangers. Some find it very hard. The relational approach helps, because it can be small and manageable. You don’t have to become a different person. You can send one message a week to someone of interest. You can ask for an email exchange instead of a call. You can start with alumni, professors, staff or older students and build outward slowly. 

This is the distinction that matters most — networking should not be about trying to get a job from someone. It is about wanting to meet people, learn from them and stay connected because you respect what they do and you enjoy the relationship. Sometimes opportunities come out of that, sometimes they do not. Either way, if you treat the connection as the point of the conversation, you end up with something more valuable than a single outcome. You end up building a community that you can learn from and reach out to for years, without the feeling like you’re selling yourself.