Bold Startup Dryvyng Brings Robust American Values To Ridesharing

TUSCON, ARIZONA ARBY'S PARKING LOT (AP): All internet entrepreneurs know they face obstacles. But few can identify those obstacles as specifically as Craig Brittain and Chance Trahan, the minds behind aspiring Uber-killer app Dryvyng.

"Bitches," Brittain says. Trahan nods, his matte-black tribal tunnel plugs swaying approvingly.

"Bitches and Obama, basically."

The two men seem ready to meet the challenge as they ready their innovative startup. Brittain, Dryvyng's CEO, brings extensive experience with the intersection of transportation, commerce, and government. Trahan, Dryvyng's branding maven, is an expert at identifying and incorporating existing successful marketing strategies. Together with legal guru and silent partner David Blade (known to friends and foes alike as "The Hammer"), these young men want to revolutionize ridesharing by rescuing it from feminists, Obama supporters, and other Social Justice Warriors.

How will they do it? Though efficiency, top-notch management skills, and a principled refusal to recognize domestic laws, regulations, or courts. "Lots of startups have problems with investors," said Brittain. "We never will. First of all most investors are fucking idiots. Second, if investors sue us, they'll be wasting their time and money. The sovereign state of Great Brittain does not recognize the so-called American courts. Government contract enforcement is tyranny."

"Also, Great Brittain needs women," Brittain added.

Brittain and Trahan plan to distinguish Dryvying from its competitors through innovative pricing and payment models. "Customers can pay for rides with ten different kinds of cryptocurrency, with nude pictures of exes, and with goatee maintenance equipment," noted Brittain. And there will be innovative pricing to match. "If you pay our base rate, we keep the right to sell information about where you went and who you were with," said Trahan. "For a 25% surcharge, David Blade will keep that information confidential." Brittain also noted that suitable riders can also reduce their rates though participation in photography projects that may lead to lucrative modeling contracts. But that's not the end of the revenue streams. "At first we were live-streaming Chance Trahan's music in the cars as a branding technique," said Brittain. "But then we realized: why give value away? And why put up with all these complaints and claims of 'distraction' and 'convulsions'? If you have value, get value. So now, if you don't want to listen to Chance's music in the cars, you have to pay another 30%."

"We get a 99% buy-in rate on that one," Brittain bragged.

Market segmentation is another key. "Uber and Lyft don't know what they're doing," Brittain boasts. "They market to anyone. We don't. We're not looking for colorful riders, if you know what I mean. We're looking for classy riders. And we know what they want. Take GamerGate. We're going to be huge with GamerGate fans. We defy SJWs, we let you play games in our cars. We'll let you vape. You can vape like a motherfucker, dude. We have Trilby racks. We're looking into installing backseat laptops so you can keep up with internet debates. They'll have macros for "RICO" and "cunt" and all the terms you need. Why would you ride with anyone else?"

But can you trust their drivers? Many consumers have horror stories of rude or creepy encounters with at the hands of Uber or various taxi services. "Absolutely, man," says Trahan. "Look: we vouch for these drivers. They're vetted. They're clean. They are post-probation. They run in the same social circles we do — that's how you know you can trust them."

"It's all about character. That's how you know how well we'll do. Because character is destiny."