Inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these monkeys

The latest in the conversations with kids series:

Elaina [8 years old]: Jesus! Give me a monkey!

Me: . . . . what?

Elaina: Oh. Jesus. Please give me a monkey.

Me: What are you talking about?

Elaina [with poorly concealed impatience]: I'm ASKING JESUS for a MONKEY, Daddy.

Me: Jesus is not a monkey-god. Why are you asking Jesus for a monkey?

Elaina [pointing]: That sign says to.

Me: Mercy. That sign says ask Jesus for mercy.

Elaina: What's mercy?

Me: Being merciful is like being kind and forgiving.

Elaina: It would be kind to give me a monkey.

Me: But it wouldn't be merciful to the monkey.

Elaina: YOU'RE A MONKEY

Me: See, this is exactly what I'm talking about.

Elaina [loudly and very atonally singing]: JEEEEEESUSSS, GIVE ME A MONNNNNNNKEY

Me: STOP YELLING AT JESUS