How Sleep Consultants Can Help Mothers Let Go of Guilt

Becoming a parent changes everything. It is a time full of happy moments but also hard ones, and often, parents start doubting themselves. As a sleep consultant, I meet many mothers who feel guilty for so many reasons. Some worry they hold their baby too much or that on some days they are too tired to take their baby for a walk. Others feel bad because their house isn’t clean or they think they are not doing enough for their children. Mothers frequently tell me that they feel bad about seeing other parents on the internet and believe they don’t measure up. This type of concern is very common. 

Several weeks ago, I helped a mother who was really struggling because her six-month-old son wouldn’t sleep at night. She thought this meant she wasn’t a good mom. She had tried everything to help her son sleep, but nothing was working, and she was extremely tired. She felt guilty for thinking about sleep training, worried it was the wrong choice. Helping this mother wasn’t just about getting her baby to sleep through the night. It was also about showing her that it is okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes. Many mothers go through this, and it doesn’t mean they aren’t doing a good job. We talked about how every parent faces challenges. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, and it is okay to ask for help or take a break when needed.

Guilt Is Toxic

Living with ongoing guilt means living with ongoing stress and anxiety. Parents might lie awake worrying about what they did or didn’t do for their children. This constant worry isn’t just unpleasant – it can lead to serious health issues like depression, anxiety disorders, and even physical problems like headaches or trouble sleeping. 

The quest for perfection sets an unrealistic goal that no parent can meet. The pressure to be perfect can interfere with parents’ ability to be present with their children. This can slow down the bonding process because children and parents may miss out on relaxing, quality time together. This constant pressure to meet impossible standards can make parents feel defeated and exhausted. It is important to recognize that being a good parent doesn’t mean being perfect. It means doing your best, learning from mistakes, and showing love and care.

The Importance of Self-Forgiveness for Mothers

Self-forgiveness is an important aspect of mental and emotional well-being, especially for mothers dealing with the challenges of parenting. Releasing oneself from self-blame or guilt for past choices or actions is part of it. This process is not about ignoring mistakes but acknowledging them without harsh judgment, which allows for personal growth and emotional healing.

Forgiveness, particularly self-forgiveness, has been extensively studied, with research highlighting its significant benefits for mental and physical health. According to several studies, the act of forgiving can lead to a reduction in negative emotions. People who forgive themselves experience lower levels of depression and anger. This is crucial for mothers dealing with sleep challenges, as it can lead to a more positive mindset, making it easier to cope with the ups and downs of parenting.

In addition to that research suggests a link between forgiveness and reduced physiological stress responses, such as lower blood pressure and heart rate, which in turn can reduce the risk of cardiovascular diseases. Self-forgiveness is linked to reduced stress. As a result, mothers can experience less physical and mental stress, which is good for their own health as well as for their child’s sleep environment.

When we experience emotional distress, it doesn’t just affect our minds – it can also manifest in our bodies, sometimes as physical pain. This connection between emotional well-being and physical discomfort shows how important self-forgiveness is. By forgiving ourselves, we initiate a process of emotional healing that can positively influence our perception of pain. This isn’t just a psychological shift – it is a physical one too. When the burden of guilt lifts, our bodies often respond by feeling lighter and more relaxed. 

Moreover, the act of self-forgiveness opens the door to a range of positive emotions that are crucial for our mental health. Hope, compassion, and self-confidence are just a few examples. These aren’t merely pleasant feelings – they are foundational to a healthy, positive view of life and parenting.

As sleep consultants, we see firsthand how guilt can affect mothers’ decisions and feelings about their children’s sleep patterns. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking you are not doing enough or that you are to blame for sleepless nights. 

How Sleep Consultants Offer Support

To support parents effectively, we focus on several key strategies:

1. Listening and Validating Feelings Without Adding Pressure

Our first step is to simply listen to the mothers we work with and provide a safe space for them to express their concerns and frustrations. By acknowledging their feelings and reassuring them that feeling overwhelmed is a universal aspect of parenting, we create a sense of connection and understanding. It is important to explain that these emotions are a normal part of being a parent, not a sign of failure. This validation can help mothers feel less guilty because they realize they are not alone in their experiences.

3. Give Recommendations That Build Confidence

Our recommendations are designed to empower. We suggest easy changes they can make to help their baby sleep better. We provide practical, achievable advice for improving sleep that is adapted to each family’s unique situation. This could involve simple adjustments to bedtime routines or introducing soothing techniques that haven’t been tried yet.  These are recommendations that any mother can try without feeling overwhelmed. Our advice is meant to make mothers feel capable and strong. We focus on what they can do, not on what they have done wrong.

4. Promote Self-Care as Essential

We always highlight how crucial self-care is for parents. Taking time out for oneself is not about being selfish or neglecting family responsibilities. Instead, it’s about maintaining one’s health and well-being. When parents are well-rested, emotionally balanced, and healthy, they have more energy, patience, and joy to bring to their parenting. 

It is important to know that while some mothers feel guilty now and then, there are others who find the guilt too much to handle. For these mothers, the guilt is heavy and doesn’t go away easily. It can leave them feeling sad or worried all the time, and it may be too much for them to handle on their own. In cases where the guilt feels too big, I always recommend talking to a psychologist. A psychologist can help mothers work through their feelings of guilt and provide strategies for managing and coping with these overwhelming emotions. It’s important for mothers to prioritize their mental health and seek support when needed, as caring for oneself is essential in order to care for others effectively. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help and seek professional guidance when needed. You are not alone in feeling this way, and there are resources available to support you.

Remember, self-forgiveness isn’t about ignoring your past mistakes – it is about allowing yourself to move forward with love, learning, and a lighter heart.

References

Adams, C., & Leary, M.R. (2007). Promoting self-compassionate attitudes toward eating among restrictive and guilty eaters. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 26, 1120-1144.

Ricciardi, E., Rota, G., Sani, L., Gentili, C., Gaglianese, A., Guazzelli, M., & Pietrini, P. (2013). How the brain heals emotional wounds: the functional neuroanatomy of forgiveness. Frontiers in human neuroscience, 7, 839.

Bauer, L., Duffy, J., Fountain, E. et al. Exploring self-forgiveness. J Relig Health 31, 149–160 (1992).

Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133–1143.

Cornish, M. A., & Wade, N. G. (2015). A therapeutic model of self‐forgiveness with intervention strategies for counselors. Journal of Counseling & Development, 93(1), 96–104.

Davis, D. E., Ho, M. Y., Griffin, B. J., Bell, C., Hook, J. N., Van Tongeren, D. R., DeBlaere, C., Worthington, E. L., & Westbrook, C. J. (2015). Forgiving the self and physical and mental health correlates: a meta-analytic review. Journal of counseling psychology, 62(2), 329–335.

Ermer, A. E., & Proulx, C. M. (2016). Unforgiveness, depression, and health in later life: The protective factor of forgivingness. Aging & Mental Health, 20(10), 1021–1034.

Julie Juola Exline , Briana L. Root , Suhrida Yadavalli , Alyce M. Martin & Mickie L. Fisher (2011) Reparative Behaviors and Self-forgiveness: Effects of a Laboratory-based Exercise, Self and Identity, 10:1, 101-126, DOI: 10.1080/15298861003669565

Fisher, M. L., & Exline, J. J. (2006). Self-Forgiveness versus Excusing: The Roles of Remorse, Effort, and Acceptance of Responsibility. Self and Identity, 5(2), 127–146.

Fisher, M. L., & Exline, J. J. (2010). Moving toward self-forgiveness: Removing barriers related to shame, guilt, and regret. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 4(8), 548–558.

Ingersoll-Dayton, B., & Krause, N. (2005). Self-Forgiveness: A Component of Mental Health in Later Life. Research on Aging, 27(3), 267–289.

Jacinto, G. A., & Edwards, B. L. (2011). Therapeutic stages of forgiveness and self-forgiveness. Journal of Human Behavior in the Social Environment, 21(4), 423–437.

The post How Sleep Consultants Can Help Mothers Let Go of Guilt appeared first on International Institute of Infant Sleep.